So you’ve made it through the 30 days of “No Contact”. First off, congratulations my friend! It takes a lot of hard work and self-discipline to get this far. I hope while you’ve been out of contact you’ve also been tending to the other aspects of the No Contact method: practising self-care and getting back out into the world–and having fun!
If you’ve made it through this time without hearing from your ex, don’t worry. Just because you haven’t heard from them, doesn’t mean she’s not thinking of you or that you don’t stand a chance of winning her back. It just means that you’re going to have to be the one to make contact. To make sure this transition is as stress-free as possible–and that all your hard work so far stands the optimal chance for success–I’m going to walk you through the best way to re-establish contact with your ex that will help open up the possibility of reconciling.
Let’s do this! Here are my cardinal rules to re-establishing contact with your ex:
One of the best ways to scare off your ex is to call them out of the blue. These days, it’s rarer and rarer that we call each other at all, and for that reason receiving a call can often feel invasive. As an ex-partner, the last thing you want to do is be invasive, right? So test the waters. Send her a light and friendly text to let her know she’s on your mind and that you hope she’s doing well. For instance:
“Hey Rach, just wanted to say hi and I hope you’re doing good. Let me know if you feel like grabbing a coffee sometime. It’d be great to see ya!”
This text illustrates to her that you’re thinking about her but not pining after her. You’re reaching out in a calm and respectful tone. You’re not asking her for anything; but you are offering her the opportunity to take you up on some time together–time that is totally neutral and friendly rather than loaded with potential baggage (dinner is not a good first offer for this very reason!). For more ideas on what to text your ex and when, check out my dedicated article “What to Text Your Ex Girlfriend“.
Whether she responds to you straight away or five days later, wait a day to respond to her text. This will give you time to sort through the feelings and emotions that will likely be roused by hearing from her, and give you time to plan your next move. It will also illustrate to her that you’re not just waiting by the phone for her to reply (even if you are, that’s not a good look!).
The goal with these texts is to make contact. There should be no confessions of love, sadness or any other emotion at all. You’ve come this far; the last thing you want to do is scare her away by getting too intense too quickly. It’s important to maintain composure and to continue projecting the version of yourself you’ve been working on during No Contact: that of a desirable, busy, and happy individual who is living a good life.
If she doesn’t respond to your text, do not text her again for at least two weeks. Again, the major aim here is to make contact without coming across as pushy or desperate. If you push her to talk to you before she’s ready, she will resent it and want to push you away more definitively; the more pressure you put on her, the further you’re pushing her away.
Once you’ve had a response or two via text, it’s time to call her. The best way to make this contact is to call her at a time she’s most unlikely to pick up. Why? Because it’s much easier to speak to a machine (which can delete your message if required) than it is to speak to your ex! This way, you are making a “power” move without being caught up in the difficulties of conversation. She can hear your voice, which will likely stir her feelings, without you compromising your position, and it will then be her turn to get in touch with you. Remember to keep your voice and message light: you’re calling to follow up from your texts to see if she wants to go for a walk/grab a drink/whatever next week.
When you finally speak on the phone, be a friend! Don’t confess your undying love for her; don’t tell her you’ve been an emotional wreck without her; don’t bring up anything to do with your romantic relationship unless it’s in response to something she says. Once again, keep your tone light, be excited to see her, and make sure she knows you have other commitments and things going on in your life. One great way to do this is to make plans several days/a week in advance, which implies that you are a) busy with other things in the meantime and b) not so desperate that you will cancel the rest of your life to see her.
Following these simple rules will do wonders to re-establish contact with your ex without “giving the game away”. After all, yes, you broke up and yes, you want her back, but this isn’t a race. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and if you’re going to mend what’s broken in your relationship, the best way to do so is to be kind, respectful, and gentle with each other. Trust me; “you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar”!