How to Seduce an Ex (or any girl, actually…)

How to Seduce an Ex (or any girl, actually…)

Posted by Emily Raymond | March 1, 2017 | Blog, Body language, Breakups, Turn ons

Every woman is different. But whether she’s into museums and books or baseball and burgers–or anything else for that matter–there are certain qualities in a man that basically all straight women find attractive. Of course, seducing an ex and seducing a relative stranger are two different things; each have their drawbacks and difficulties.

Despite this, several aspects remain the same. I’m going to give to you a written version of a Venn diagram (you know, the two circles that overlap in the middle?). The “left” side of the circle, the first section of this article, deals with seducing a girl you have no history with; the “right” side, that’s the second section of this article, will discuss the distinctions of seducing a woman you have history with; the “overlap” in the center, the conclusion to this article, will acknowledge the common ground these two experiences share.

Seducing a “new” person

When you meet someone new, everything lies in potential. You don’t know each other: whether you have things in common, whether you share the same values, whether their company will continue to delight or begin to disgust you. You may not even know if the attraction is mutual–are they interested in you? If they’re not forthcoming, it’s all part of the mystery. That’s a lot of unknowns! But while this may come across as a disadvantage, in many ways it’s a true advantage. Among the many pros of seducing a relative stranger are the following:

  • You have an air of mystery about you
  • You have the ability to make a good strong first impression
  • You can enjoy getting to know each other as part of your growing attraction
  • You can enjoy the excitement of meeting and seducing a “new” person
  • Anything is possible! They may turn out to be a one-night stand or the love of your life!

Many feel the cons outweigh the pros in this scenario. If you’re an introverted person, not good in crowds or at talking to strangers, then seducing someone you don’t know well may seem like an impossible task. In addition, there’s the challenge of:

  • Making and maintaining conversation
  • Being (or feigning being) confident
  • Wondering whether you would actually be attracted to them if you knew them better
  • Overcoming disagreements that might occur
  • Knowing when and how to “make a move”, whether asking for her number or leaning in for a kiss

It’s a jungle out there. But don’t fret. Here are my top seven tips for overcoming these challenges and realizing the potential of this seduction scenario!

Establish eye contact

It’s amazing what eye contact can do for a dynamic. In business, failure to look someone in the eye will likely cause them to consider you shady and untrustworthy. The reality is that the response is not much different anywhere else. In addition, making eye contact with a person that you’re attracted to is exciting! It can cause sparks to fly, as it provides you with the space to “connect” on a personal and physical level, it conveys respect and, if held, it conveys sexual interest and even stronger feelings. It also tells the person whose eyes you’re meeting that you have nothing to hide: that you’re trustworthy and into them. Swoon.

Be genuine

As an extension to the genuine act of making eye contact, be genuine!! Be open and honest about yourself: what you do, what you enjoy, what your hopes and plans are for the future. Not only are passion and ambition interesting and the best kind of conversation topics, but she’ll feel as though you’re letting her in, telling her personal details because you like her and feel you can trust her. This behaviour is the best way to lay a positive foundation of a relationship, whether it’ll last decades or one day! And it’s far better for everyone involved than you playing the role of some cool a.f. guy you think she wants to date… if she wants that dude, fine. But if that’s not you, don’t try to be something you’re not.

Ask questions–and hear the answers!

Engage with her. Ask her questions about herself; listen to the answers. If they interest you, awesome! Respond to them in kind and keep getting to know each other. So much fun can come of those first playful and intense conversations; they’re straight-up foreplay! If what she has to say doesn’t interest you, then what are you doing? If you’re looking for a straightforward hookup, fine. Tell her that. If she’s down, you both get what you want without the pretense and manipulation and hurt feelings. Let’s be grown-ups, yeah?

Lighten up

I know it can be stressful for a lot of you to enter into this kind of dynamic. And the fact that you’re feeling like you have to be all suave and sophisticated to boot makes it harder still. But I’ll be honest with you: a little dorkiness and/or awkwardness is actually extremely attractive to many many women. After all, we want a kind and honest guy, and few women would ever complain about feeling like they have the upper hand in a dating scenario here and there! So lighten up! Don’t be so serious. Don’t be afraid to smile, make jokes, and laugh at yourself. These qualities are extremely attractive in a man, and a good sense of humour goes SUCH a long way.

Employ touch

Don’t be grabby. I didn’t have to tell you that, I know. But don’t. When I say employ touch, I mean that when you feel confident that there’s something sexy between the two of you, don’t be shy to step things up a notch. You can do this by stroking her arm or grazing the back of her hand with yours. Touching her knee or tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear are also super respectful and super hot moves. If she’s responsive, great! You’ve made your feelings and intentions clear and she’s giving you the green light. Play on! If she’s not, then also (though a bit less) great! You know where you stand and you can keep chatting (or not, if she’s put off) knowing where the boundaries lie for now. If you do get a positive, receptive response, give it a while and let her reciprocate. Then you guys can keep kicking up those notches til you’re kickin’ boots! 😉

Be respectful

My number one rule, gents: ALWAYS be respectful. If she turns you down, show that you understand and respect her decision and her absolute right to say no to anyone, at any time, no matter how strongly you may feel that she “led you on”. If she bores you, let her know that it was lovely to chat to her but you must be getting back to your friends. If you like her, give her the time and space to get comfortable with you before suggesting you take things further. In other words: DON’T BE A DICK. It won’t get you anywhere. And it’s really shitty.

Be honest

Lastly, babes: be honest. Be honest about your intentions; be honest about your interests; be honest about who you are and what you want. If you’re dishonest, you’re not only wasting everybody’s time, but you’re also exploiting someone for your own gain, and that’s f*cked up. So just be yourself, be direct about what you want (even if it’s no-strings-attached sex, okay?), and see how positively women (and the world) respond to you.

Seducing an ex

When seducing an ex, there’s a lot going on in the background–just as much, if not more, than there is when you seduce someone “new”! You know each other. You know what you like and don’t like about each other; you know very well what went wrong with your relationship in the past and you probably have a good idea of whether you’re going to be able to overcome this (if you even want to!) or not. There are so many reasons for seducing an ex aside from wanting to win her back… there’s a whole ton of baggage. Take a look at my article “3 Ways to Make An Ex Girlfriend Miss You” for some more info on this sensitive subject. Here are some of the positive elements to seducing an ex:

  • You’re familiar with each other, so it’s hopefully a bit less awkward!
  • You know if the sex is going to be good or not
  • There’s often a lot less seduction involved, because you’ve slept together before
  • You can be more open about your intentions and expectations
  • Make up sex (or even “we’re broken up” sex) is HOT

It would be wrong not to fully outline the cons of this situations, though, which may include:

  • There are feelings of hurt, distrust and anger between you
  • People you care about likely think it’s a terrible idea
  • You might fall back into the same dysfunctional patterns
  • It might be very emotionally painful to revisit this aspect of your relationship, especially if you can’t make it work

Seducing an ex and sleeping with an ex can be really sad. I want you to understand that because it’s important to be realistic about the complications that might arise from the choice you make to seduce an ex. One or both of you are likely sad and possibly deeply vulnerable. Emotions run high. For many people it can prove to be a trade off: a short period of pleasure and escape followed by even more emotional pain and anguish than they were experiencing before. You’re adults, so that’s all I’ll say on that. You’ve been warned. Let’s get to the seduction tactics.

Seduction tactics for exes are similar to those above for “strangers”, but they rely more heavily on emotion. That’s because a) you’ve already shared more intimacy and emotion with them and b) a breakup is an emotional time, and one or both of you will likely be in a more delicate and vulnerable state with each other.

Engage in eye contact

Eye contact, as I’ve said, is not only important to establishing respectful communication; it’s also super hot. When there’s a mountain of unexpressed feelings between two people, especially when they’ve been through a lot together, direct eye contact is often the catalyst or the trigger that sets off a whole chain reaction of chemistry.

Be genuine

Your ex should know you well enough to know when you’re not being genuine. Just like seducing a girl you don’t know, being dishonest about your intentions is simply a bad (and horrible) idea. With exes, the stakes are even higher. Telling your ex you want to get back together when you’re actually only interested in a hook-up makes you a terrible person, because you’re basically exploiting someone who is already vulnerable. You don’t have to promise her the world. Simply explaining that you miss her and wanted to see her/ touch her again, even if it’s only for one night, is both honest and seductive.

Employ touch

Touch is possibly never more valued than by a newly single (possibly heartbroken) person! They’ve gone from getting intimate touch and sex all the time to likely none at all. It’s difficult and most people feel the lack of touch keenly after a breakup. So wiping a tear from her face, squeezing her shoulder, or wrapping her in a hug will all be extremely desirable to any ex who’s not hardcore angry at you. These kinds of caresses are also gateways, of course, to more intimate touch.

Be direct

Honestly, when there’s emotional turmoil and to-ing and fro-ing in a breakup, the sexiest thing is directness. The whole “should we, shouldn’t we” debate can be an exhausting and pointless endeavour, and if that’s where you’re at then I suggest asserting your desire for her by pulling her to you and kissing her. Emotions and hormones run high between all but the most resilient or “over it” exes, so why not make the most of it and put that pent-up passion and desire to good use by expressing it physically?

Be kind

Please do. Exploiting people you care (or once cared) for doesn’t look good on anyone. So ask yourself: What are my motivations? Why do I want to see her again? Why do I want to seduce her? Can I live up to her expectations? Or am I going to let her down? I strongly recommend you avoid committing any acts that will be felt as a betrayal on her part. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and whether you believe it or not, that kind of treatment could stick with her–even damage her–her entire life. No bueno.

Be respectful

Ditto to above, I guess. If she’s emotional and unsure, don’t pressure her into anything. Ironically, the less pressure you place on her, the more positively she’s likely to respond.

Where the two converge

As you can see, the two approaches have a lot in common; the differences lie mostly in the degree of emotional investment and vulnerability of the people in each scenario. In a nutshell, whatever your intentions, when it comes to seducing a woman, your underlying ethics and approach should remain the same: be considerate, kind and respectful, and always act with integrity. If we all approached dating in this way, there’d be a lot less tears and a lot more fun, so pave the way! It will prove fruitful, I promise!

Emily xo


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