What to Text Your Ex Girlfriend

So you’re broken up and you don’t want to be.

Firstly, I’m sorry. I know how much that sucks. Secondly, just because you’re in this crummy situation, doesn’t mean you can’t get back out of it. The trick is to be calm, patient, and deliberate in your actions. Follow my instructions and I’ll have you texting your ex with success in no time!

So that means no shouting, crying or light stalking of any kind. And you know by that I mean absolutely no stalking at all, right? Good.

In other words you gotta be dignified. Show your ex that you can take this heartbreak like a man and that losing her doesn’t make you a sad sloppy mess… because that just won’t get her back.

Like most leading relationship experts, I strongly recommend that all you exes wanting to reverse a breakup first implement the No Contact Rule. This method requires that you take 30 days away from your ex – not just physically, but, as the name suggests, by maintaining absolutely zero contact with her at all. And no, before you start looking for loopholes, you can’t stalk her on Facebook. That counts as contact. I will allow the exceptions of wishing her a happy birthday (as long as you keep it to just that) or reaching out if she’s experiencing tragedy of any kind. If she’s grieving, she may very well want you to be there for her, and how on earth could you refuse?  

I’m not going to detail the many reasons and benefits of the No Contact Rule here; suffice it to say that by implementing it you will be avoiding the many pitfalls that tend to happen immediately post-breakup, and which include coming across as super-undesirable and a major sad act. Instead, you’ll be allowing her the time and space to process her emotions and to miss you. Pair this with taking care of yourself and having fun and you’ll likely be hearing from your ex before those 30 days are up.

Once you’ve exercised this admirable display of self-control (seriously, well done!), it’s time to reestablish contact. Of course, when you haven’t seen or spoken to her for a whole month, the process of communicating again should be a slow and steady one. To help you understand how to proceed, I’ve broken down the stages of reconnection into these six texts for you to send. I know. You’re welcome.

I want to be very clear before I educate you on this subject: The purpose behind every one of these texts is not to lie or to manipulate, but to skilfully use the tools available to you to win back your ex because you want to be with her and make her happy. Got it? Okay, let’s get started.

1. The Support text

You haven’t spoken in a while. You left things in a respectful way. Once 30 days have passed it’s time to let your ex know that you’re there for her if she ever needs you. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point – no emotional outbursts or confessions required!!

Hey [insert name here], it’s me. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. There’s no need to reply if you’d prefer not to, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you ever want to talk. Hope all’s well. Take care xo

The ‘xo’ and overall wording are of course up to you: you want to sound recognizable for obvious reasons! But this is the tone and message you want to convey. It establishes you in her life as a person who cares about her and whom she can depend on, while also making it clear that you’re not looking for anything in return. This last detail is key, because you want to begin the process of reattachment by becoming friends again – no sexy strings or complicated undertones involved.

2. The Thoughtful text

The thoughtful text shows your ex that you’re thinking about her in a non-sexual and undemanding way. It illustrates that she’s on your mind without making any requests of her – emotionally, sexually, or even socially – therefore continuing the process of rebuilding trust and friendship without bringing emotionally fraught subject matter into it.

Was wondering past North Park Bikes with a friend this morning and saw that basket you loved is for sale! 50% off!! Just thought I’d letcha know 🙂  

Not only does this text display your friendly consideration, it provides her with some truly valuable knowledge, tells her you remember the small details of your time together, and also inspires other questions in her mind, like: who were you with? Is your relationship to them romantic? After all, it was morning and the tone of your text is so light and happy sounding… See what I mean? With just a very short text you can get all kinds of cogs turning in her mind.

3.  The Reminder text

This is a definite level-up text. It should only be used if a) you’re on speaking terms and have shared a few warm texts back and forth or b) when you haven’t spoken for a while (at least 5 days). The Reminder text is designed to reintroduce romantic subject matter into your communications and remind them of the amazing times you had and the happiness you shared once. It should refer to a super happy/romantic/funny time you shared that you know you both remember with fondness. Done right, it will inspire feelings of nostalgia and longing in her that can pave the way to you regaining your relationship.

Remember that time we were stalked by squirrels in the park? You were laughing so hard you got wine all over me. That was an amazing day.

Or

Remember when we got caught in that downpour in Barcelona? We were completely soaked and ran into that little jazz bar to dry off and proceeded to dance all night with the locals! That trip was the best xo

A text like this will have her missing you and rethinking your relationship’s chances immediately! You better be prepared to make her that happy when she comes back to you.

4. The Funny text

The Funny text should come when you guys are rebuilding a bit of a rapport. You’re on good terms but maybe there’s still some defensiveness or resentment lurking somewhere. This is an important opportunity to lighten the mood and break down those barriers, and nothing does that better than laughter. Oh, and a man who can make a girl laugh is a sexy man indeed. But you knew that.

You know you’ve made it when you can afford to replace the window that’s been missing from your car for two years. Hope you’re having a good week xo

Of course this is a genre of text that will be very personal to you – again, it has to sound like your voice! – so make sure it reflects your kind of humour. Bonus points if the subject matter is something you and your ex have laughed about or shared in the past.

5. The Respectful text

The Respectful text can take many forms, but it’s particularly powerful when things are starting to reheat between you. Say you’ve recently sent the Reminder text and you and your ex have been texting/chatting or have met in person since. You’re getting some pretty positive vibes from her and feeling like she wants you back. Maybe she’s even said as much. This is an excellent time to use the Respectful text. After all, there’s not much hotter than a man being offered the opportunity of sex and responding with something to the effect of “I don’t want you to feel like we have to…”. HOT!!

Hey [name], it’s so good to be talking to you again. I know things were rough for a while and I just want you to know that I care about you and respect you so much. We don’t have to rush things. For now I’m just happy to have you back in my life xo

Guys, this is Ryan Gosling levels of sexy, and ironically, it will likely have her showing up at your door in just a fur coat later that night. But this should not be your primary directive. As I mentioned at the outset of this article, you gotta have the goods to back this sh*t up; if you don’t intend to re-enter into a loving relationship with your ex, then what are you doing? Well, in short, you’re being an asshole and you’re going to a) make things worse for you both and b) come out of all this with every girl who knows you knowing to stay well away from you. So don’t be a player. Be a gentleman. It’ll make everyone happier, I promise.  

6. The “I miss you” text

Finally, it’s time to bring out the big guns. You’ve reestablished contact, found friendly common ground, let her know that you care about her and you’re there for her, been playful with her, and let her know that you respect her feelings and personal space… now and only now should you share your genuine feelings and emotion with her. The best way to do it is to tell her you miss her. This lets her know that you still love her and that you want her back without applying the huge pressure that saying “I love you,” or “I want you back” immediately places on her. Your text might look something like this:

Listen, I know we’re broken up, but I have to tell you that I miss you. I understand if it’s not what you want to hear, and if you’d rather I leave you alone I will, but I had to tell you. I miss you and I want to see you. I leave the decision in your hands xx

This text lays your feelings on the table without you making a major declaration of undying love. It also acts as something of an ultimatum: you’re putting the next move in her hands, while making it clear that you need to know sooner rather than later. It’s romantic without being gushy or aggressive, and respectful while also being direct.

If your ex still has feelings for you, this sequence of texts will reveal it to you and assist you in winning her back in a healthy and sustainable way. You might send these texts over the course of a month, or it may take only a few days! That depends on a whole bunch of variables specific to you, your ex, and your dynamic. But whatever the pace, these texts are guaranteed to get conversation up and running and feelings churning – so be prepared! And in the meantime, get prepared by checking out my full guide to getting your ex back!

Good luck 😉

Emily xo